Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Arts & Crafts
I've always thought lesbians did arts & crafts. And I always thought lesbians enjoyed hip-hop. I'm discovering that I have a very flawed view of lesbians.
Blogging Rules - I am violating them now to discuss the rules
1) Minimum one drink needs to be consumed before blogging, with the exception of blogging about the blogging rules AND 2) in the weeks leading up to Kwanza/Xmas/Hannukah we all need to work on our arts and crafts so we can sell some jewelry on the blog as a fun holiday gift idea.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Blogging
I've been getting tons of email asking me why there's been so few posts today. We have jobs people. Relax.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Karaoke Rocked.
Humpty Dance. Check. Plenty of alcohol. Check. I'm Too Sexy. Check. Accomplished night of drinking and singing. Check.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
If I had my way...
I want to blog about the fact that it is cold outside and I don't like it. My second wish if a genie gave me three wishes would be that Wal-Mart would create a Raspberry Frost pleather vest that I can wear that has utility slips in the lapel to place heatwarmers in. This would a.) keep me cozy and warm. b) make me very popular among my comrades. c) allow my arms to be free to blog all day long.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Comments
Please note, we have discovered comments and won't be blogging again until we have sufficiently discussed our posted blogs.
I miss you
I know it's been minutes since I have blogged and I have breaking news....a man next to me is wearing a red hat and looks concerned.
Emails
Please note, I know I'm not really getting emails but I always claim that I am. Deal with it. Or don't. I don't care. Stop emailing me.
Current Score: Jesse-Getting Ass Handed To Her
So, the blogging scores have just been updated and here they are:
L-Wang: Second To None
Yatesey: Fucking Rockstar
Jesse: Currently Having Ass Handed To Her, Needs To Blog More, Or She Could Fall Into "A$$hole Category, And If She Does, Please Refer To My Tips On Avoiding That Problem
**Please note, I know these aren't scores, stop emailing me stupid comments.
L-Wang: Second To None
Yatesey: Fucking Rockstar
Jesse: Currently Having Ass Handed To Her, Needs To Blog More, Or She Could Fall Into "A$$hole Category, And If She Does, Please Refer To My Tips On Avoiding That Problem
**Please note, I know these aren't scores, stop emailing me stupid comments.
What is happening right NOW?
Matt and Jesse are on the phone and I am blogging about it. Ya, that just happened.
My Friday Night
So, tonight's a big night. Not because after 3 years of work, Mrs. Yates' blog is finally up and running, no, although that is pretty huge. Three long years of hard, hard work. No, tonight's big because I'm going to see the new Bond movie. Listen, I know what you're thinking: you're thinking Daniel Craig pales in comparison to Timothy Dalton, who did two Bond movies, one of which I'm pretty sure went straight to video. Well he doesn't and you're a Douchey McShittyBalls for thinking that.
I will be ingesting alcohol tonight, whether it's alone in my room with a knife cutting at my leg, or hanging with friends and having laughs at the local pub. By the way, we're in America, stop calling it a pub. Only the Brits can do that.
I will be ingesting alcohol tonight, whether it's alone in my room with a knife cutting at my leg, or hanging with friends and having laughs at the local pub. By the way, we're in America, stop calling it a pub. Only the Brits can do that.
Ding Dong Dan's Mom
Hi Mrs. Yates,
Your son does drugs and drinks heavily.
Bye bye,
I'll see you at dinner tomorrow, thank you for having me over for meatloaf and mashed potatoes, that is my favorite!
Your son does drugs and drinks heavily.
Bye bye,
I'll see you at dinner tomorrow, thank you for having me over for meatloaf and mashed potatoes, that is my favorite!
I only communicate through blogging now
I don't talk on the phone or in person, I blog. If you need to ask me something, please see my blog for my reply. Get over it.
Peace.
-J Dizzle
Peace.
-J Dizzle
I am drinking...
This one time I flew to Burbank and had a drink with a new friend. He is super and I want to blog about it. I'll blog because I want to and I will because I can. I learned that real men like puppies, drink Bud Light and go after women that are taken.
My other good friend, we'll call her Larynex, she likes to break up with men by saying "You know something........I just don't care for you." And I like that answer. I will use it in my next pseudo-relationship.
Blog done.
My other good friend, we'll call her Larynex, she likes to break up with men by saying "You know something........I just don't care for you." And I like that answer. I will use it in my next pseudo-relationship.
Blog done.
Dan's Tips On Not Being an Unbelievable A$$hole
Hi Everyone-
I've been getting tons of email asking me how to avoid being an unbelievable a$$hole. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "but Dan, seriously, what qualifies you to be an expert on avoiding a$$holes?". And to that, I retort "How the f*** do you know my name? Huh? Answer me, God D*****! It's an anonymous blog!" ::bottle smashes::
I digress as I tend to do. This list is geared toward ladies. Yes, ladies, you can be just as much a flaming, $hitfaced a$$hole as guys can, so just lay off, park yourself, pour some Franzia and take a deep breath.
1. Lose the hormones. Seriously, lose them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to lose the hormones, not my department. All I'm telling you is to lose them, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.
2. This goes hand-in-hand with number one. Stop having periods. Seriously, stop having them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to perform a biological miracle, not my department. All I'm telling you is to stop having periods, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.
3. If you somehow got past numbers one and three, my guess is, healthwise, your time is extremely limited before you die from some crazy hormone deficiency syndrome that you could have avoided if you still had hormones and periods. Anyway, I digress as I tend to do. Number three. Stop dating a$$holes. One of the easiest ways to avoid being an a$$hole is to stop spending all of your time around a$$holes. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how you're supposed to not surround yourself with assholes when you have zero self esteem and self confidence, not my department. Just stop dating them. I get it, you think-even though you don't have hormones or periods anymore-that you're going to change him, make him better, "break" him. Guess what? We live on a place called "Planet Earth" not "Planet A$$hat-Land Where I Can Change an A$$hole and live Happily-Ever After With Him!". Stop being an a$$hole and stop dating a$$holes.
4. Stop neglecting to inform guys you meet that you don't have a boyfriend. Seriously, stop avoiding the boyfriend issue. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to make male friends when they just want to sleep with you and not be friends, not my department. Stop dressing like a slut and exuding good posture by thrusting your chest out. Seriously, stop doing that. Guys think you're an a$$hole when you're not upfront. Some less-developed males would call you a c[censored]nt. Not me. I would never use that word. It's not long enough.
Just follow these easy steps and you won't be an a$$hole. If you don't follow them, good luck ever finding love or happiness.
I've been getting tons of email asking me how to avoid being an unbelievable a$$hole. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "but Dan, seriously, what qualifies you to be an expert on avoiding a$$holes?". And to that, I retort "How the f*** do you know my name? Huh? Answer me, God D*****! It's an anonymous blog!" ::bottle smashes::
I digress as I tend to do. This list is geared toward ladies. Yes, ladies, you can be just as much a flaming, $hitfaced a$$hole as guys can, so just lay off, park yourself, pour some Franzia and take a deep breath.
1. Lose the hormones. Seriously, lose them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to lose the hormones, not my department. All I'm telling you is to lose them, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.
2. This goes hand-in-hand with number one. Stop having periods. Seriously, stop having them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to perform a biological miracle, not my department. All I'm telling you is to stop having periods, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.
3. If you somehow got past numbers one and three, my guess is, healthwise, your time is extremely limited before you die from some crazy hormone deficiency syndrome that you could have avoided if you still had hormones and periods. Anyway, I digress as I tend to do. Number three. Stop dating a$$holes. One of the easiest ways to avoid being an a$$hole is to stop spending all of your time around a$$holes. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how you're supposed to not surround yourself with assholes when you have zero self esteem and self confidence, not my department. Just stop dating them. I get it, you think-even though you don't have hormones or periods anymore-that you're going to change him, make him better, "break" him. Guess what? We live on a place called "Planet Earth" not "Planet A$$hat-Land Where I Can Change an A$$hole and live Happily-Ever After With Him!". Stop being an a$$hole and stop dating a$$holes.
4. Stop neglecting to inform guys you meet that you don't have a boyfriend. Seriously, stop avoiding the boyfriend issue. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to make male friends when they just want to sleep with you and not be friends, not my department. Stop dressing like a slut and exuding good posture by thrusting your chest out. Seriously, stop doing that. Guys think you're an a$$hole when you're not upfront. Some less-developed males would call you a c[censored]nt. Not me. I would never use that word. It's not long enough.
Just follow these easy steps and you won't be an a$$hole. If you don't follow them, good luck ever finding love or happiness.
Comedy Script Idea
Guy walks into a puppy store to cheer himself up after a rough "paycheck glitch" day at the office. Girl walks in with mom, pretends to like said guy {insert flirting}, they exchange numbers and set up a date. Later, the boy's dreams are crushed when realizing it is a scam for girl's mom to get real estate leads.
End Of Script.
End Of Script.
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