Burn It

So, some highlights from the Triage Council's 15th Annual Meeting:

"I would club a baby seal..."
"I would then rape it."

-Flowers for L-Wang- Not a good plan unless you've really screwed up or she's dead. If she's dead, a nice card is a close second.

Martinis can be made super dirty.

The jacket still has not and never will be washed.

Please add as necessary.

Throwing it out there

I have not fulfilled my 1 drink minimum to blog but since I forsee myself drinking tonight I will bend the rules. I want to blog about how diligently Jesse is working right now. I can see her since she sits in front of me and if I were here keyboard, I would hurt.

Story for the ages

This one time, I went to the store with my friend and we each bought red cardigans for fun. Once we purchased the cardigans, we went to Fred Meyer, a neighborhood grocery and clothing good store to browse their Christmas inventory. They had very nice products that shined brightly in the florescent lights that beamed through their wide overstuffed isles. We decided to add a hint of flair to our newly purchased red cardigans for the Holiday with some generic A&C (arts & crafts) material such as beautiful red, green and magical gold glitter. Esthetically, I would compare our new bedazzled red cardigans to a majestic rainbow colored baby unicorn prancing freely through the jungles of Cuba. Yes, it is that beautiful. You can see it in the photos that my friend took of me bedazzling, it was fun, and I will do it again soon.

Lindsay is now out of control

L-wang is now out of control. She is about to glitter the cat (Felix). She has already glittered everything in the house, including the TV, dining room chairs, several towels and the pizza guy. I am not kidding. The snowmen and stars on the sweaters was a good touch. Glittering is life, the rest is just details.

Glitter + Wine = the new PB+J

This is either hilarious or we're idiots, but I am now live blogging the great Sweater Glittering of '08. L-Wang has officially taken over my glittering responsibilities since I am retarded and she apparently has a degree in A&C ("Arts and Crafts" to the lay person).

Lindsay and I went to the store and bought lots of glitter and some fun holiday wear. This is Lindsay in her sweater "pre-glitter" - "post-wine".

This is Lwang blogging as Jwang

I like glitter, it is pretty and bright.

DONUTS

Ok people, enough with your emails. Seriously, we have jobs and I am not a donut making machine. Here is the holiday donut recipe to bring to your family Hanukkah and Christmas gathering:

- 2 eggs
- 3 cups whiskey
- 1/3 cup flour
- 8 pints scotch

bake at 350 degrees for 2-3 minutes. Serve while hot.

10

So, I finally finished reading through all the emails that asked for more info on the reunion. I have decided to give the fans what they are asking for(in this case it's info on the reunion and not Jesse's killer donut recipe, although that one is gaining good ground).

I dropped the LA card like it was hot, literally. Most of the people were married with kids or working a basic job and staying in Saratoga. Me? "Yeah, I live in LA now and I have an agent." Hey, popular girls? With your husbands and children and fulfilling life, how you like me now? I'm living in LA and partying every weekend. What's that? Yes it's fulfilling!!

There were several people that apparently started eating the day after graduation and never stopped until the night of the reunion. Barely recognizable, these people were likely candidates for diabetes, heart attacks and expensive hooker habits.

I drank all night long and returned home without getting sick. It was quite the night. I and one other person made it past Boston after high school/college. I rule. Hard.

So, now, Jesse, the donut recipe?

Our fans are demanding more stories about the 10 year reunion

We've been bombarded with emails from our fan base asking to hear more from Mr. Yates about the 10 year reunion and how many autographs you signed.

L-Wang signs at least 10 every time she comes to the office. on a slow day.

Random

I'm flying out of San Diego tonight to go home.

We Figured It Out.

We had a question, but we figured it out. Carry on.

Arts & Crafts

I've always thought lesbians did arts & crafts. And I always thought lesbians enjoyed hip-hop. I'm discovering that I have a very flawed view of lesbians.

Blogging Rules - I am violating them now to discuss the rules

1) Minimum one drink needs to be consumed before blogging, with the exception of blogging about the blogging rules AND 2) in the weeks leading up to Kwanza/Xmas/Hannukah we all need to work on our arts and crafts so we can sell some jewelry on the blog as a fun holiday gift idea.

Blogging

I've been getting tons of email asking me why there's been so few posts today. We have jobs people. Relax.

Co-People.

Done.

Fantastic idea

Next time we all meet in sunny Burbank, let's not be co-workers, let's be co-people.

Lwang holds down Mrs. Yates Blog

I just blogged about that Jesse.

Glass of wine. Check.

I love blogging. Blog blog blog, I love to blog.

Karaoke Rocked.

Humpty Dance. Check. Plenty of alcohol. Check. I'm Too Sexy. Check. Accomplished night of drinking and singing. Check.

If I had my way...

I want to blog about the fact that it is cold outside and I don't like it. My second wish if a genie gave me three wishes would be that Wal-Mart would create a Raspberry Frost pleather vest that I can wear that has utility slips in the lapel to place heatwarmers in. This would a.) keep me cozy and warm. b) make me very popular among my comrades. c) allow my arms to be free to blog all day long.

Yatesey's Getting His Karaoke On

Tonight. Humpty Dance. Maybe even Ice Ice Baby. Count it.

L-Wang + Pashminas = Drinking

I just blogged about it. That just happened.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

-End Blog.

L-Wang just punted a dog off a bridge after a motorcycle mishap involving a burrito.

Jazz Flute

Jesse just ordered 2 fingers of Glenfiddich and some cheese.

Comments

Please note, we have discovered comments and won't be blogging again until we have sufficiently discussed our posted blogs.

I miss you

I know it's been minutes since I have blogged and I have breaking news....a man next to me is wearing a red hat and looks concerned.

Emails

Please note, I know I'm not really getting emails but I always claim that I am. Deal with it. Or don't. I don't care. Stop emailing me.

Current Score: Jesse-Getting Ass Handed To Her

So, the blogging scores have just been updated and here they are:

L-Wang: Second To None
Yatesey: Fucking Rockstar
Jesse: Currently Having Ass Handed To Her, Needs To Blog More, Or She Could Fall Into "A$$hole Category, And If She Does, Please Refer To My Tips On Avoiding That Problem

**Please note, I know these aren't scores, stop emailing me stupid comments.

That just happened.

Have your people call my blog and it'll get back to you.

I Have Literally Been Home Since 4:45.

Please see title.

What is happening right NOW?

Matt and Jesse are on the phone and I am blogging about it. Ya, that just happened.

My Friday Night

So, tonight's a big night. Not because after 3 years of work, Mrs. Yates' blog is finally up and running, no, although that is pretty huge. Three long years of hard, hard work. No, tonight's big because I'm going to see the new Bond movie. Listen, I know what you're thinking: you're thinking Daniel Craig pales in comparison to Timothy Dalton, who did two Bond movies, one of which I'm pretty sure went straight to video. Well he doesn't and you're a Douchey McShittyBalls for thinking that.

I will be ingesting alcohol tonight, whether it's alone in my room with a knife cutting at my leg, or hanging with friends and having laughs at the local pub. By the way, we're in America, stop calling it a pub. Only the Brits can do that.

Ding Dong Dan's Mom

Hi Mrs. Yates,

Your son does drugs and drinks heavily.

Bye bye,

I'll see you at dinner tomorrow, thank you for having me over for meatloaf and mashed potatoes, that is my favorite!

I only communicate through blogging now

I don't talk on the phone or in person, I blog. If you need to ask me something, please see my blog for my reply. Get over it.

Peace.

-J Dizzle

I am drinking...

This one time I flew to Burbank and had a drink with a new friend. He is super and I want to blog about it. I'll blog because I want to and I will because I can. I learned that real men like puppies, drink Bud Light and go after women that are taken.

My other good friend, we'll call her Larynex, she likes to break up with men by saying "You know something........I just don't care for you." And I like that answer. I will use it in my next pseudo-relationship.

Blog done.

Dan's Tips On Not Being an Unbelievable A$$hole

Hi Everyone-

I've been getting tons of email asking me how to avoid being an unbelievable a$$hole. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "but Dan, seriously, what qualifies you to be an expert on avoiding a$$holes?". And to that, I retort "How the f*** do you know my name? Huh? Answer me, God D*****! It's an anonymous blog!" ::bottle smashes::

I digress as I tend to do. This list is geared toward ladies. Yes, ladies, you can be just as much a flaming, $hitfaced a$$hole as guys can, so just lay off, park yourself, pour some Franzia and take a deep breath.

1. Lose the hormones. Seriously, lose them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to lose the hormones, not my department. All I'm telling you is to lose them, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.

2. This goes hand-in-hand with number one. Stop having periods. Seriously, stop having them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to perform a biological miracle, not my department. All I'm telling you is to stop having periods, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.

3. If you somehow got past numbers one and three, my guess is, healthwise, your time is extremely limited before you die from some crazy hormone deficiency syndrome that you could have avoided if you still had hormones and periods. Anyway, I digress as I tend to do. Number three. Stop dating a$$holes. One of the easiest ways to avoid being an a$$hole is to stop spending all of your time around a$$holes. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how you're supposed to not surround yourself with assholes when you have zero self esteem and self confidence, not my department. Just stop dating them. I get it, you think-even though you don't have hormones or periods anymore-that you're going to change him, make him better, "break" him. Guess what? We live on a place called "Planet Earth" not "Planet A$$hat-Land Where I Can Change an A$$hole and live Happily-Ever After With Him!". Stop being an a$$hole and stop dating a$$holes.

4. Stop neglecting to inform guys you meet that you don't have a boyfriend. Seriously, stop avoiding the boyfriend issue. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to make male friends when they just want to sleep with you and not be friends, not my department. Stop dressing like a slut and exuding good posture by thrusting your chest out. Seriously, stop doing that. Guys think you're an a$$hole when you're not upfront. Some less-developed males would call you a c[censored]nt. Not me. I would never use that word. It's not long enough.

Just follow these easy steps and you won't be an a$$hole. If you don't follow them, good luck ever finding love or happiness.

Comedy Script Idea

Guy walks into a puppy store to cheer himself up after a rough "paycheck glitch" day at the office. Girl walks in with mom, pretends to like said guy {insert flirting}, they exchange numbers and set up a date. Later, the boy's dreams are crushed when realizing it is a scam for girl's mom to get real estate leads.

End Of Script.