Dan's Tips On Not Being an Unbelievable A$$hole

Hi Everyone-

I've been getting tons of email asking me how to avoid being an unbelievable a$$hole. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "but Dan, seriously, what qualifies you to be an expert on avoiding a$$holes?". And to that, I retort "How the f*** do you know my name? Huh? Answer me, God D*****! It's an anonymous blog!" ::bottle smashes::

I digress as I tend to do. This list is geared toward ladies. Yes, ladies, you can be just as much a flaming, $hitfaced a$$hole as guys can, so just lay off, park yourself, pour some Franzia and take a deep breath.

1. Lose the hormones. Seriously, lose them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to lose the hormones, not my department. All I'm telling you is to lose them, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.

2. This goes hand-in-hand with number one. Stop having periods. Seriously, stop having them. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to perform a biological miracle, not my department. All I'm telling you is to stop having periods, or you'll never avoid being an a$$hole. In fact, you'll pretty much be one all the time...always. At all times. Can I make that any more clear? There won't be a second in the day when you won't be an a$$hole. A$$hole.

3. If you somehow got past numbers one and three, my guess is, healthwise, your time is extremely limited before you die from some crazy hormone deficiency syndrome that you could have avoided if you still had hormones and periods. Anyway, I digress as I tend to do. Number three. Stop dating a$$holes. One of the easiest ways to avoid being an a$$hole is to stop spending all of your time around a$$holes. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how you're supposed to not surround yourself with assholes when you have zero self esteem and self confidence, not my department. Just stop dating them. I get it, you think-even though you don't have hormones or periods anymore-that you're going to change him, make him better, "break" him. Guess what? We live on a place called "Planet Earth" not "Planet A$$hat-Land Where I Can Change an A$$hole and live Happily-Ever After With Him!". Stop being an a$$hole and stop dating a$$holes.

4. Stop neglecting to inform guys you meet that you don't have a boyfriend. Seriously, stop avoiding the boyfriend issue. I'm not a doctor, so quit asking me how to make male friends when they just want to sleep with you and not be friends, not my department. Stop dressing like a slut and exuding good posture by thrusting your chest out. Seriously, stop doing that. Guys think you're an a$$hole when you're not upfront. Some less-developed males would call you a c[censored]nt. Not me. I would never use that word. It's not long enough.

Just follow these easy steps and you won't be an a$$hole. If you don't follow them, good luck ever finding love or happiness.